Bigsley and Bernadette: Obligations

Bernadette explained how the artist's mother 

is depending on him to convince her 

that her daughter isn't going crazy.

"Tell her I'm busy," replied Bigsley.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Welcome Home

Believe me, Bernie, it's not what it seems.

I just sat down to relax five minutes ago.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Pelican Sighting

It's about time you guys showed up!  You know we can't start spring without you.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Delta Flight 2538

Believe me, Bernie, I would love to fly back with you the old fashioned way. But with the way the weather's been, one of us has to make the sacrifice and get back to secure the home front, and I wouldn't want that to be you. Trust me, Baby. This is way harder on me than it is on you.  Someday you'll thank me for this. That much, I can assure you.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Gallery Walk

"Trite."

"Obviously this guy has a lot of time on his hands."

"Someone please explain to me how this got in here!"

"I think it's beautiful," Bernadette finally spoke up.

"It's just a bunch of scribbles." Bigsley was incredulous.  "What could possibly be beautiful about it?"

"Oh, the lines, the movement, the spontaneity."  Bigsley scoffed.  "Let me guess," said Bernadette.  "You could do better?"

"You got that right, Baby. Get me a bucket of paint and an old mop, and I'll paint you something just as good for a fraction of the price."

Bigsley and Bernadette: Karaoke Night

How is it that certain birds fall into the good fortunes Bigsley did that winter? Some might call it dumb luck. But Bigsley preferred to credit his wit and disposition. He felt like Zorba in Crete. At any moment he might take up the santuri. Every room brightened when Bigsley walked in. The senior gals especially dug him. Never had he known such carefree days, strutting the beaches, lunching with the all-female bingo clubs and bridge groups, starring in every karaoke night on the strip.

To what should a bird give credit for such positive turns in one's life?  Two for one cocktails for starters. But Bigsley was pretty sure it was all those years of good karma that he had been dishing out, finally paying off.

And what kind of a bird discovers in his arch enemy, Herman "the Chirpster" Stutterbird, his musical soul mate? A bird like Bigsley. It had started off as a dare by Bernadette their first night south of the 15th parallel. That was all the boys needed. They alighted on the stage and sang the most moving version of "Endless Love" that anyone had ever heard. Now it's their go-to song at the close of the night. Almost always, they get a standing ovation. Here they are at El Piqueno Perico on the edge of the sea, where the tiki lights glow, the warm winds blow, and the margaritas are cheap.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Wisconsin Highs In The Single Digits

What did I tell you? Best decision I ever made. And to think you almost convinced me not to migrate. Trust, Baby. That's what it's all about. Trusting your instincts and doing what you know is right, no matter what anyone else says.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Regrets

Bigsley and Bernadette: Road Side Attraction

Be reasonable, would you? I mean, what's the rush? Do you realize that birds all over the world would give their right wings to be able to tour House on the Rock? And who knows, maybe there's some rooms available. Well, it probably isn't your style Herman, so I'd advise you continue on, but Bernie, trust me. You are going to forever regret if you don't stop and check this out.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Twist My Wing

Okay, quit your begging already!  I'll migrate, if that's what you want.  But I like to make good time. No stopping for historic markers, cave tours, or corn palaces.  If I'm going, we're gonna do this right. And Herman, no podcasting.  This is supposed to be a vacation!

Bigsley and Bernadette: Cult of Herman

"Acapulco?!" choked Bigsley.  "Why not be honest with yourself for once?  You migrate because of peer pressure.  With the advent of modern conveniences, why would any logical bird do it?  It's old school, Baby.  Just surrender to the moment and admit you would rather stay here snuggled up with me and my satellite dish."

Bernadette explained that there are lots of reasons to migrate, the exercise, the change of scenery, the opportunity to mingle with birds of other species.

"And let me guess," interrupted Bigsley.  "It's spiritually enlightening."

"As a matter of fact, it is."

"Well, how about that folks?  She's been brainwashed!"

Bigsley and Bernadette: Preparing for Winter

"Let me guess," said Bigsley.  "You are trying to look silly in order to be ironic."

"What I am doing," replied Herman, "is preparing myself for migration season, something you might benefit from yourself."

"You're right!  I've got to remember to call the satellite guy and get my hook-up before the snow flies."

"I'm talking about getting out of the house for the winter.  I bet you've never been to Acapulco."

"Who needs Acapulco when you've got Oshkosh?"

Bigsley and Bernadette: Fledged

"Gone?!  What do you mean they're gone? I was just getting used to them.  When are they coming back?"

Bernadette explained that they wouldn't be back, that they grew large enough to fly and that now they could take care of themselves.

"And that's it? Not even a good-bye, sayonara, see you later, Sucker?  Where's the love?  Where's the understanding?  Don't they even care??  How can you be so calm in the midst of tragedy?"

Bernadette told Bigsley that's just the way life is, that chicks weren't meant to stick around the nest after they could fly.

"But think of all the work!  All the hours of attending to their every need?  What about that?"

"I suppose it did the trick," said Bernadette.

"You are even more cold hearted than I originally thought," said Bigsley.  "Now you're probably going to tell me you're getting ready to migrate."

"How did you know?"

Bigsley and Bernadette: Healing With Herman

"And friends, always remember that by opening ourselves up to the possibilities of the universe, we all find love.  Muchas Gracias, Au Revoir, and Namaste." Herman concluded his popular weekly podcast with a self-satisfied fluffing and perched outside his doorway waiting to hear from his listeners.

"You think you can out namaste me, do you?" called Bigsley from his house.  "The only way you'd have a chance is if you attend one of those 10 day silent meditation retreats.  I know just the place.  That peacock down the road told me about it.  And it's only a three week flight!  I know you'd love it.  I'll tell you what.  You head on out and I'll take care of all the details from here."

Bigsley and Bernadette: What's the Deal?

"You know, it really seems like you're ignoring me," said Bigsley one morning, "and I want to know why.  Don't tell me it's Herman.  The guy got tagged!  Do you realize what that means?  Besides the fact that he's an ignoramous, it means they are watching us.  Listen to me Baby.  I'm talking about the DNR here.  They probably got their binocs trained on us right now.  If that doesn't make you paranoid, it's time you visited the shrink."

Bernadette said something in reply but Bigsley couldn't hear what because of the chipping chicks.

"Don't you think it's about time they fend for themselves?" Bigsley continued. "When I was that age I was stealing worms from fishermen.  I was setting booby traps for tom cats.  I was staging jail breaks at aviaries.  How are these kids ever going to amount to anything if all they know how to do is whine?"

Bigsley and Bernadette: Nessum Dorma

Opera?  Face it Herman.  You're a cliche.  Why don't you try something a little more avant-garde? Like John Cage's 4'33, perhaps?  It's not as easy as it sounds, staying silent for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. You'll have to practice.  How about you start right now and in about six weeks or so, I'll let you know how you're doing.  Trust me on this one Herman.  The chicks go gaga for dada.  

Bigsley and Bernadette: There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Bernadette could explain to Bigsley that she had no plans of moving from her nest, a splash of color swooped between them and landed on the new house.  Here sat Herman "the Chirpster" Strutterbird, first in his aves class, four time winner of the annual Chirp-a-thon, best overall plumage as voted by local females three seasons running, universally admired for his congeniality, altruism, and sense of smell.

"I see you are looking beau-tee-tee-tee-ful as always, Berna-detty-betty-boo," chirped Herman.

"Are your eyes glued shut or what?  She's a mess, digging for worms day and night.  I'm not much better myself just having to listen to those spoiled chicks.  Everything is me, me, me. I'll tell you, kids these days."

"Nice to see you too, Bigsley."

"Fit to be tagged, eh Herman?"

"It is a great honor to be part of scientific survey."

"Is that the spin coming out of the DNR marketing department these days?"

"Bigsley, let me take this opportunity to forgive you for all the injurious defamations you have slung at me over the years.  As your new neighbor, I want you to know, I do admire your obstinacy, though perhaps you could work on your--"

"Did you say new neighbor?"

"Didn't Bernadette tell you?"

"What hasn't she told me? All she does is gab, day and night.  I can't get her to shut up.  There's no subject that chick won't broach, you know what I mean? She's an absolute gas. She tells me everything going on in that mind of hers. Fascinating stuff, I can assure you. But you?  No, come to think of it, she's never mentioned a peep about you."

Bigsley and Bernadette : Seeing Stars

"Of course, I would have preferred if you had just moved in upstairs," said Bigsley after realizing what had so rudely interrupted his euphoric flight.  Bernadette asked if he was okay. "I'd be okay if you'd get those chicks of yours to sleep. All that squawking is giving me a headache."

Bigsley and Bernadette: Free at Last

And then the night came when, awaken from a fitful sleep riddled with the reoccurring dream of worms that disintegrate before she can push them down the throats of her starving chicks, Bernadette blinked and saw what she thought must be a spirit from another time and place, twirling under the starry sky and singing.

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose, Nothin' ain't worth nothin' but it's free!

But when the spirit swooped close to her nest exclaiming, "Chicks dig my Janis imitation," and then crashed into a freshly planted pole, Bernadette came to her senses.

Bigsley and Bernadette: Still Stuck

"Can't a guy enjoy the rain from his doorway these days without everyone yakking about it?"