In My Dreams

I never chew gum any more, though I used to be a heavy user in middle school.  Now, I have a reoccurring dream that I am chewing gum and the gum breaks apart and sticks to all corners of my mouth and I try, unsuccessfully, to dig it out with my fingers.  And every time I have this dream, I think it is not a dream, and I think all those other frustrating gum chewing experiences are not dreams either, and I wonder why didn't I learn from the last time this happened and remember to never chew gum again.

I used to have terrible nightmeres as a child, many that I still remember.  Hiding under a couch and watching a strange man's shoes slowing walking towards me.  A vampire emerging from behind the attic door.  I remember the first dream I was ever aware of remembering, being in a person's car I didn't know and watching the billboards pass and being so afraid, not knowing where I was or if I would ever get home.  It wasn't until years later that I understood that it scared me so much because I was too young to understand what dreams are.

Only in my dreams I am terrified of heights.  In many dreams, there are strange staircases where I'm forced to make dangerous leaps because the steps I'm on don't connect to the steps where I have to go.  Or there are places in tall buildings with no railings where there should be railings, or narrow plank bridges that cross deep gorges, or dirt roads that descend vertical mountainsides, or swift escalators that drop out of view.  Always in these dreams, inching along on my belly, I am startled by my paralyzing fear, marveling that I actually thought I was only scared of heights in my dreams, not, as it seems to be, in real life.

I once dated a guy who told me he flies in his dreams every night.  He said it was easy.  All you have to do is tell yourself just before you fall asleep that you are going to notice when you are dreaming and then stop the action of the dream and fly.  It sounded a little far fetched.  But I tried it and even succeeded at times, though at first I would flap my arms and be frustrated with only flying up a few feet at a time.  But when I realized all I had to do was soar, I started to fly above the trees.  I forget to try to lucid dream for months at a time.  But just the other night I woke up inside a dream and thought, fly!  So I did.

I have a brother who insists he catagorically never wants to hear about anyone's dreams.  Unless, of course, he is in it.

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